by Dan Savage
 

            Water World

            I'm hoping you can help me. My boyfriend wants
            nothing more than to have me pee on him. I
            really want to do this for him, but my body will
            not cooperate. I'm usually able to pee whether I
            feel the need to go or not--when the doctor needs
            a sample, for instance--so this is very frustrating.
            I've tried the obvious, like drinking tons of
            water, but it didn't help. I've tried sitting on the
            toilet until I start to urinate, then stopping and
            running back to squat over him, but that didn't
            work either. I want so badly to do this for him!
            Please help--I'd do anything for this guy!

            Peeing Is So Sensual

            You'll do anything for this guy? Does "anything"
            include blowing $350 on a large, incriminating, and
            hard-to-conceal sex toy? This is not a sex toy for the
            easily mortified, PISS. If your mother finds this toy
            in your closet--well, let's just say you'll have a hard
            time convincing her that you're not taking craps on
            your boyfriend. Can you handle that?

            The sex toy in question is called a Joy Rider, and it's
            basically a toilet seat on springs. It's a little hard to
            describe, so I'm going to send you to the Mr. S
            website (www.mr-s-leather-fetters.com), where you
            can find the Joy Rider under "Miscellaneous."
            (There are also a few pictures of a good-looking guy
            sitting on another good-looking guy's face; don't say
            you weren't warned, straight folks.) While the Joy
            Rider is usually used, as one website puts it, "to
            facilitate oral sex, rimming, and penetration from
            unique angles," in your case it might help facilitate
            pissing all over your boyfriend.

            Here's how: You've been peeing in one basic
            position since you were about three years old, and
            you were taught to regard your urine as filthy; it's
            waste, and we don't dump waste on our loved ones,
            now, do we? So when you're trying to let go as you
            squat over your boyfriend, you're not only faced
            with peeing in an awkward position--itself a
            challenge--but you're also violating the ol'
            don't-piss-on-your-loved-ones taboo. Buying a Joy
            Rider, PISS, will allow you to sit your very fine ass
            down on one very bouncy toilet seat, close your
            eyes, and imagine not that you're about to pee all
            over the man you love--who just so happens to be
            underneath your very fine ass--but that you're sitting
            on a toilet somewhere, doing your business where
            your business is supposed to be done. This, I
            suspect, will do the trick, and you'll finally piss all
            over your boyfriend. And hey, once you're done
            peeing on him, you can use your Joy Rider to
            bounce up and down on your boyfriend's dick and
            face, as God Himself intended you to bounce.

            Two final thoughts: The Joy Rider breaks down for
            easy storage, PISS, but it still looks like a toilet seat
            on springs, even when it's taken apart. Keep it well
            hidden if you don't have a sense of humor about
            people thinking you're into scat. And finally, after
            slogging through my daily dose of e-mail from folks
            whose husbands, wives, boyfriends, and girlfriends
            couldn't care less about meeting their sexual needs, I
            must say I was delighted to get your letter. The
            lengths you're willing to go to give your boyfriend
            what he wants are truly inspiring, and you set a good
            example today for all my readers. God bless you,
            PISS.

            I'm a young lesbian with the ability to ejaculate.
            I have no complaints, but I'm hoping that you
            can give me some insight into how to handle the
            amount of liquid that results. The problem is
            that after we get it on, our bed is terribly soggy
            when it's time to go to sleep. We usually use
            towels, but they get soaked. Changing the sheets
            doesn't help, because the mattress is soaked. I
            have tried to do some Internet searches, but I
            only get sent to XXX sites or "women's health
            networks" that question the existence of women
            who can ejaculate. If you know of any special
            products or web pages, Dan, my soggy butt
            cheeks would appreciate it.
 
 

            You have two options, WW--both of 'em so obvious
            that I doubt you've given your "problem" much
            thought. First, there's rubber sheets. Sold by
            reputable fetish shops everywhere, rubber sheets
            protect the mattresses of wet-and-messy players.
            Since I was already on the Mr. S website, I checked
            out their rubber sheets; like everything else at Mr. S,
            the sheets are heavy-duty. An extra-thick queen-size
            rubber sheet, reinforced with nylon, will set you
            back about $200. Option two: If rubber sheets aren't
            your style, WW, maybe you shouldn't be having sex
            in bed. Have sex in the tub, supersoaker, or on the
            kitchen floor. If you want something soft under your
            ass, plenty of gymnastics-equipment suppliers sell
            folding tumbling mats. You can ejaculate your guts
            out on a waterproof mat, then fold it up and slide it
            under the bed.

            Medical Fetish

        I'm going NUTS, Dan, all alone, masturbating to
            half-assed medical fetish websites! WHERE or
            HOW can I find medical/gyno fetish clubs
            and/or people who'll do to me the stuff I see
            online at Dr. Kink? Even if I purchase a
            membership to Dr. Kink (which sucks, by the
            way), that still doesn't tell me how I can get into
            this subculture! I swear, if I can't get on an exam
            table, spread my legs, put my feet into the
            stirrups, and get some hot doctor putting a
            syringe or a speculum or something in my cunt
            soon, I'm going to go to crazy!

            Sopping Pussy Really Enjoys Arousing Doctor
            Sex

            Sebastian and Laural are a very nice couple who
            share your very kinky passion, SPREADS. They
            also run MedicalToys.com, a terrific Internet shop
            that's been selling medical fetish supplies since 1998.

            "Safe, sane, and consensual has to be the starting
            point," Sebastian told me. "Medical implements,
            insertables, can hurt you if they're used incorrectly.
            Anal and vaginal cavities are very delicate--they can
            be torn or ripped. You don't want to do this stuff
            with some guy who's as inexperienced as you are.
            And, for safety's sake, you don't want to do this
            with the first guy who offers to ram a speculum into
            you. She needs to do this with someone she gets to
            know and she trusts. The last thing she wants is to
            wind up in a real emergency room having to explain
            how this happened."

            Sebastian's right, SPREADS. Be very careful who
            you let ram a speculum into you. I always am. But
            WHERE and HOW do you meet trustworthy
            speculum-rammers?

            "Try your local BDSM club," suggested Sebastian.
            You can spot the medical fetishists at BDSM events
            because--duh--they'll be dressed up like doctors and
            nurses. If you don't see any fetish docs at your
            BDSM club, "ask the regulars if anyone into medical
            fetish is involved in your local BDSM scene," said
            Sebastian. And if there's no BDSM club in your
            area, you can always go online to meet people.
            Sebastian and Laural run several e-groups through
            MedicalToys.com--groups you can access by
            visiting the site.

            "She can start posting messages and go from there,"
            Laural said. "One of the clubs has 3,000 members;
            another has 5,000. They're a really good venue to
            meet people, and some of the members are real
            doctors. But you do have to use your common
            sense."
 

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